This last year has been hard. Even while typing that, I can't hardly believe it. Because even though it's been hard, it's also been wonderful. Hard, because we've undergone three IVF cycles (one frozen, two fresh) to no avail. Wonderful, because I am the mom to the funniest, most energetic, cutest, smartest (clearly I'm not biased) little boy and married to the kindest, most helpful, funniest man. And now I'm in the midst of another IVF cycle, one that hasn't been as successful as I've hoped. The last few cycles I haven't been producing very many eggs, but this one we got a decent amount (7)! However, for some reason, only one of those seven fertilized. Saturday, we transferred that lone embryo, hoping and praying that this one floating embryo can transform into something miraculous. And I do believe that miracles can happen. But more importantly, I know that no matter what, God loves me and that the right thing will happen for me and for my family. That's all I can do--trust in God.
I've had three scriptural heroes on the mind lately: Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego. When faced with the fiery furnace, for worshiping God and not the king's graven images, they stood their ground, refusing to worship anyone but God. They proclaimed that they knew God could save them from the fire's flames, but if not, they would still serve God. I love that--but if not. We can't always predict God's will for us, we can only put our faith in Him and trust that it will all work out. And as I face down my own fiery furnace--the terrible ten days of waiting for the pregnancy test, the progesterone shots with the "horse" needle (as Josh refers to it), the prospect that this might not work for me, that this might not ever work for me--I say that if God can save Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego from the fiery furnace, he can make this one floating embryo into a baby. I can also say, though, as Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, but if not. But if not, I will still worship God. But if not, I will still serve Him. But if not, my faith will not be shaken. And while this has been something that is so hard for me, it has also been something that has helped me to come to rely on my Savior so wholly and completely. And while I in no way can compare my trials to that of the handcart pulling pioneers, I share in their sentiment: "The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay." (quoted from a survivor of the Martin Handcart company). I have come to know God and I have felt his love for me as a tangible force. And though I long to have a baby, lots of babies, I wouldn't trade that love, that knowledge, for all the babies in the world.