This last year has been hard. Even while typing that, I can't hardly believe it. Because even though it's been hard, it's also been wonderful. Hard, because we've undergone three IVF cycles (one frozen, two fresh) to no avail. Wonderful, because I am the mom to the funniest, most energetic, cutest, smartest (clearly I'm not biased) little boy and married to the kindest, most helpful, funniest man. And now I'm in the midst of another IVF cycle, one that hasn't been as successful as I've hoped. The last few cycles I haven't been producing very many eggs, but this one we got a decent amount (7)! However, for some reason, only one of those seven fertilized. Saturday, we transferred that lone embryo, hoping and praying that this one floating embryo can transform into something miraculous. And I do believe that miracles can happen. But more importantly, I know that no matter what, God loves me and that the right thing will happen for me and for my family. That's all I can do--trust in God.
I've had three scriptural heroes on the mind lately: Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego. When faced with the fiery furnace, for worshiping God and not the king's graven images, they stood their ground, refusing to worship anyone but God. They proclaimed that they knew God could save them from the fire's flames, but if not, they would still serve God. I love that--but if not. We can't always predict God's will for us, we can only put our faith in Him and trust that it will all work out. And as I face down my own fiery furnace--the terrible ten days of waiting for the pregnancy test, the progesterone shots with the "horse" needle (as Josh refers to it), the prospect that this might not work for me, that this might not ever work for me--I say that if God can save Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego from the fiery furnace, he can make this one floating embryo into a baby. I can also say, though, as Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, but if not. But if not, I will still worship God. But if not, I will still serve Him. But if not, my faith will not be shaken. And while this has been something that is so hard for me, it has also been something that has helped me to come to rely on my Savior so wholly and completely. And while I in no way can compare my trials to that of the handcart pulling pioneers, I share in their sentiment: "The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay." (quoted from a survivor of the Martin Handcart company). I have come to know God and I have felt his love for me as a tangible force. And though I long to have a baby, lots of babies, I wouldn't trade that love, that knowledge, for all the babies in the world.
10 comments:
you will be in my prayers! thank you for sharing this. you are amazing!! lots of love!
I am in tears. I love you. I love your faith. I know that God is aware of you and I feel thankful that you decided to share this - both so that I can add to the prayers going to heaven in your behalf and because that is a beautiful, beautiful lesson. You are a wonderful example, sister. I'm glad we can be friends across the country. I will pray for you.
Thank you for writing this. I can imagine how difficult it was to do. At some point I'd like to talk to you more about what you're going through and be there for you, but please know that right now, and I mean RIGHT NOW, I'm in a fiery furnace too, and your words have helped strengthen me. I don't know all the reasons for our trials, but I do know one reason we get them is to learn compassion and help strengthen others, and as of reading this, you have helped strengthen me.
I will be adding my prayers to yours. Love you, Jessy, and love this beautiful post.
Oh Jessy, I have wondered how things were going. Thanks for sharing such personal thoughts! You have been in my prayers lady! This was was beautiful!
we're praying for you too. you are such a great mom and wife. you put into words what my little family has been feeling for awhile now even though our struggles are different. thank you. love you.
Jessy, thank you for sharing your personal and poignant thoughts with us. Thank you!
I absolutely love you, Jess. I also look up to you in so many ways, but especially in your faith and trust in the Lord. Through all of this I'm so impressed and inspired by your example of absolute trust. I love you and pray for you.
You will be in my prayers as well. One of the biggest ironies in life for me is why some really good people/parents have such challenges trying to have children. I wish you the very best!
Thank you for sharing your struggles. I've always known you are an amazing woman. Your family is in our prayers and keep that faith of yours strong!
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