Monday, December 15, 2008

How to decorate for Christmas in 9 easy steps:

Below you will find a fool-proof method of decorating your home for the Holidays. If you will follow these 9 simple steps, then I can personally guarantee you a beautiful, expertly decorated home that will be the envy of the neighborhood.

1. Pick out a beautiful tree from the land of trees: Lowe's.
2. Retrieve Christmas boxes from basement (this is done easily enough, especially since you heart your label maker).
3. Allow your 10-month-old to dig deep into those boxes so as to find anything of pertinence (this is done with glee and, of course, squeals of delight).

4. INSIST this child place every decoration in his mouth first, to ensure that everything is up to the highest edible standard.

5. Pay your husband $13 to put up both the garland and the lights. (Why $13 you wonder? It's what is in your wallet at the time. You will find that this will be the best $13 you spend for Christmas. Not only is the work done with the precision quality of an engineer, but because he is PAID, he is your employee and HAS to do what you say. For instance, if you run out of lights half-way through, you tell that employee to go to Walmart and get some more. And then, when those high-quality, brand-new lights don't work, you tell him: "You're an engineer. You went to school for 6 years--figure something out." Of course, this employee of yours does NOT have to enjoy doing this--hence the look of anger on this husband/employee's face).
6. Watch Mike Rowe's Dirty Jobs on The Discovery Channel. Yes, at times this show is hard to stomach (literally--did you see the one about the slimy eels? Or the sewer drainage?) and it will make your employee's work suffer a little (it's quite the distraction) but you will find that by giving your husband/employee total command of the remote, he will be much happier.
7. Stand in front of expertly decorated Christmas tree, holding your first born son, fling out your arm in triumph and smile as though this is your proudest moment (It probably is. Of course, your child will be transfixed with the tree and won't LOOK at the camera).

8. Go to the Ward Christmas Party, where you and your child will eat excessive amounts of Christmas ham and then force your child to sit on Santa's lap so that you will get this look: (this may not have much to do with decorating but it is somehow part of the process).
9. Slowly but surely, move all ornaments on the lower half of the tree to the upper half, so as to avoid ornament damage by this little monkey:
Hopefully, you've followed these 9 easy steps and you've found your home a happier, more exquisitely decorated place. I know we have. Happy Holidays to all and to all a good night!

7 comments:

Emily said...

You have such a way with words, Jessy! So funny and entertaining to read. The tree looks great~good idea for the "hired help!" Merry Christmas!

Krista said...

Jessy I loved your advice on putting up the Christmas tree and look forward to using these 9 steps next year with our little girl. Unfortunately putting up our tree wasn't nearly as fun as yours. And yes, we love dirty jobs with Mike Rowe!

Cookie, Jason, and Olivia said...

I need to try the money thing with Jason sometime. You are beautiful and smart!

bluestocking mama said...

only $13?! see, your husband has the better profession for such work. mine is in finance and would never had settled for $13, but would have figured in cost per minute, including food breaks, massage perks, and union wages.

great pics!

Toni said...

You crack me up! Your sense of humor just improves with age. I think you should send in the 9 to Reader's Digest. You could win a prize.

Rosie Moncrief said...

I love your guts! I hope I'll be able to see you when you're here.

Jeff and Erika Mitchell said...

I love reading your blog. You always make me laugh. But it definitely is true...our tree doesn't have ornaments on the bottom as well!